Dating While Black: Red (and Yellow) Flags for Black Girls in the Dating World
Dating sucks.
Period. Whether online or offline.
Honestly, that could be the blog. It sucks…good luck!
I have been dating on and offline, off and on, for the last three years. While I have clearly failed at finding a life partner, what I have succeeded in becoming very VERY well-versed in spotting a red flag while it’s still yellow/orange.
So, I’m sharing 23 of the orange/yellow/red flags I’ve found through what my Grandma Martha termed, “bought sense.” Dating for Black women comes with its own special set of circumstances and obstacles. We can find love, but if we’re not careful or intentional in spotting red flags, we can also find more pain than most. Read carefully, so that you don’t have to pay the toll like I did.
And as usual, I want to make clear that my advice is coming from a Black, 30-something, cis-gendered woman who dates cis-gendered men. Although I believe my experiences can speak to many perspectives, keep that in consideration when reading.
Red Flags If You Exclusively Date Black Men
1) He has a child (or children), and it is, (or they are) by a woman (or women) of another race
This can be tricky, and I’m sure I will get some push-back for this, but I am telling you what I have learned based on my own painful lessons. If a man has chosen to procreate with non-Black women, especially multiple times, and now wants to “settle down” with you, you should at least see yellow. On many occasions, when speaking with my Black, male friends, I have heard the following sentiment: “I want mixed children, but I want to settle down with a Black woman.” In the media, oftentimes we see this play out in the reverse; we see successful Black men who struggle with the come-up Black woman, and then once they become “successful,” he leaves her ass for a White girl. But you should be mindful of the men who procreate White first but then settle down with you, particularly if they don’t want any more children and you do. What he may be saying to you is that he values your strength and stability, but physically, he desires children that look like his preference. What he may also be saying to you is that he had relationships with other races of women because he was operating under the misguided belief that Black women don’t have what he wants in a partner, that we are angry, bitter, uncooperative (I hate that word), and masculine. And when he discovers he can’t find peace over there either, he wants to come back home to you. Honestly, there are yellow and red flags all over this situation, particularly if he has multiple children by women he has not married (more on that later), but when dating in your 30’s, you should expect to come across some men that do have children. And if you do date these men, and if you don’t have children yourself, and if you desire children, pay close attention to who he had his children with; you should always be mindful of what kind of life you would be bringing your child into.
2) He makes you the exception to other Black girls
He may say things to you like, “I normally don’t date Black girls, buuuuuut,” or, “You’re the first Black girl that I’ve dated,” or “Are you mixed with something?” or, “You’re not like other Black women.” If you hear these or any variation of these, sprint! You are not the exception; you are exceptional, nor are you beautiful in spite of your Blackness, you’re beautiful because of it. He may mean these things as a compliment, but there is nothing complimentary about lifting you up while stomping on the heads of others. And remember, if you are the exception, then the rule still applies for the Black women in your life, the Black women that raised you, the Black women that support you, and the Black women that love you.
3) In his dating profile or on your first few dates, you hear words like “cooperative, feminine, submissive, alpha male, high-value,” or “fit”
This could also be true for all men, but there is such a sinister slice to these code words that cut Black women more deeply because of the negative stereotypes already identified with us. Femininity is the default afforded most other races of women; for Black women it is the deviation. Odds are, when you see these words on a Black man’s profile or hear them come out of his mouth, it is code for “I follow red-pill content and Kevin Samuels is my hero.” The rise of Black male podcasts has led to the blatant hypocrisy and hate speech from Black men denouncing the very type of woman that probably raised them. These men are chastising women for becoming educated high-earners without discussion about the reasons Black women have had to become independent just to survive in the first place. They lift up women that will stay at home, be a wife, and look like an Instagram model knowing good and well that they can’t afford the maintenance to keep her on that pedestal, and if they can afford you, they’re still implying that your value only comes from how you serve them, increase their value, or make them look. It’s ridiculous. If you are a woman who values her education and finds joy in a career and in making money, don’t set yourself up for this fight; find someone on your wavelength.
4) He is overly concerned with your hair
I have another blog post about my hair horror stories, however I am specifically focused on Black men here because there seems to be an unhealthy obsession with the choices Black women make with their hair. Now, to be clear, everyone is allowed to have their preferences, but when the root of your preference is in texturism, self-hate, or in European, classist tropes, then it’s not a preference. When many Black men say they prefer your natural hair, it is a specific type of natural they mean. Either they prefer your natural hair straightened, or they want your natural hair to be curly, and generally, they prefer it long. So, if you do wear your natural hair, and it does not meet those criteria, suddenly, it’s not attractive. We know this because these men do not make the same request of White women. And we know that in 2022, other races of women are wearing weaves, wigs, tape-ins, microlinks, and phony ponies too, yet they are never questioned because the texture of their hair is still desirable. (And it’s highly possible that this man doesn’t know his history, as wigs and weaves are an ancient part of the Black haircare and styling.) This is just a yellow flag to be cautious because this is not all Black men, and it may just come from misguided ignorance and not self-hate. But those that this doesn’t apply to generally don’t make these requests/demands up front. They know what you look like. They’ve seen your pictures, or they’ve seen you in person. Either they are attracted to you and your wigs or they aren’t.
Red Flags If You Are Open to Other Races
5) He always refers to you using food, especially at the beginning of your relationship
To be fair, Black men do this too, all layered with some good ole’ colorism on top. And don’t let you be dark-skinned and oiled up…sheesh! But the reason I’ve chosen it as a red flag for dating outside of Blackness is that Black men reference all shades in reference to food AND other things. They call Black women, “caramel, vanilla, or cinnamon, chocolate, redbone, yellowbone, brownbone, ebony, and once or twice, I have even heard waffle colored. Black men’s colorism is complicated and rooted in self-hate and history, and often, these food and color associations are references to the spectrum of skin-tones Black women have as a way to describe them. Generally, when other races of men always refer to you as something edible, they are sexualizing and fetishizing you. There’s no distinction between chocolate and caramel; if you’re Black then you’re chocolate, regardless of your hue. They certainly don’t refer to White women as “vanilla” or “cheesecake,” so why are you “mocha?” Red flag. If you point this out to them and they understand how the sexual undertones/connotations of making you edible could be potentially problematic, then crisis averted. Lower your flag, or change it to yellow.
6) He wants to engage in the oppression Olympics with you or gloss over your experiences with phrases like, “I don’t see color,” and “we should just love everybody,” or “race doesn’t matter”
As a Black woman, your lived experiences will be vastly different than those of a man of any other race. And if you make a life and make babies with this man, his children will have a very different life experience than he does. If he does not understand that systemic racism, micro and macro aggressions, colorism/featurism/texturism, and stereotypes color your world in ways he may not see, then you should not be with him. Definite red flag. However, if you raise these concerns with him and he genuinely changes his world view, downgrade to yellow or switch to green.
7) He is not willing to engage in a cultural exchange
He wants you to love his life, his music, and his interests while taking no interest in your culture or your traditions. This is pretty self-explanatory and an easy red flag to spot. Nor, does this apply to Black women who have cultural interests or experiences that are outside of the sphere for most African Americans in this country. (I’m not being PC here; we all know what I mean.)
8) His family makes it clear that you are not welcome
Depending on the situation, this could be a yellow or a red flag, and while family acceptance is a big deal in any race, it takes on a particularly insidious tone when you are not accepted by his family because of your race. If a man loves you and desires a life with you, many would argue that what his family feels doesn’t matter. And while this may be true, if you are family oriented, then this will be difficult. And if you have children, you have to deal with the possibility that your children may never have a relationship with one side of their family. You may have to try and rationalize their father’s family racism towards their mother and maybe even towards them. You should never have to go through this, and your children shouldn’t either. It’s easier to nip this in the bud before falling for this person, rather than waiting until you’re in love.
Red Flags for Dating Internationally
I have never intentionally dated someone internationally, so I can’t speak to that experience. However, I have come across enough men on dating websites to be able to figure out when someone international is masquerading as someone that lives in the United States for malicious purposes.
9) They want to move your conversation immediately from the dating platform to WhatsApp
I am firmly convinced that WhatsApp is where scammers fester. These men will quickly try and get you off the dating platform and onto WhatsApp for two reasons: 1) They want to make you feel “special” by requesting so soon to have access to you this way, and 2) Once you realize they are scamming you, you can’t report their profiles because you’ve moved off the site. This is an immediate red flag. If he doesn’t want to continue to talk to you on the site until you’re comfortable moving elsewhere, or he can’t give you a number to text, report him and move on.
10) They are suspiciously attractive
While there are always exceptions, water flows to its own level. If someone is very interested in you and their pictures almost seem modelesque or too perfect, be careful. Don’t get it twisted; I know I’m an attractive woman and I can match with attractive men, but I also know my limits. I’m not exceptionally beautiful, fit, or photogenic. So, when men express interest in me that are fitness buffs or have a jawline gifted from God himself, I immediately proceed cautiously. And in every case, I eventually determined that these men were, in fact, setting themselves up to ask for money or documentation and using false pictures to lure you in. In speaking with other Black women who have dated online, it has also been brought up that many international scammers target Black women because there is a widespread belief that we are undesirable and desperate all while being dependable. Yikes. Just throw the whole flag away.
Red Flags for ALL Men
11) No pressure, no chance
Many men are not serious, (Women either for that matter), but many men just want to match with you just to say they can. If he isn’t asking you earnest questions or making an effort to meet you or plan a date, he is not serious. If he wants the first place you all meet to be at his place or yours, red flag. Trust me, I’ve done my fair share of trying to prove I’m worth it to a man, from planning to date, paying for it, buying him gifts, I’ve done it all. But I’ve learned that men make an effort for what they value. They will work for it, because they know that if they get you, you are invaluable to their life. Make him apply the pressure initially; you’ll have plenty of chances to reciprocate. If you see no effort, wave your red flag and go.
12) Too much pressure, chill out
On the flip side, some men will hit the gas from jump. They will drop love bombs from the beginning, so much that it is overwhelming, creepy, and borderline stalker-like. These men may say things like, “You’re my wife, you just don’t know it yet,” or they want to take you off the market before you’ve even met. They call you wifey in their first greeting. They are possessive of your time and your texts. They keep track of whether or not you are still active on the dating site where you met or if you are seeing other people. They become upset if you don’t answer their texts or calls right away. They use everything as a flex or way to impress you. If too much was a person, it would be them. I’m all for a man being sure of himself and what he wants, but when his confidence is manipulated as a means to control, run.
13) He consistently has to announce that he is an “Alpha Male”
To put it simply, alpha males don’t exist. That research was discredited long ago by the original researcher. If a man has to remind you of how much of a “man” he is, he isn’t one. Masculinity is complex, diverse, natural and obvious in men who possess these traits. If a man is truly secure in his ability to provide and protect, he won’t have to announce it; you will feel that when you meet him. He will simply continue to take care of business and add you as a priority to his agenda. You will naturally want to find the right role and way to support him, and he will honor you by helping you with your dreams as well.
14) For Online daters, if his profile is everything opposite of what you want, but he tries to match with you anyway
Now, I have always been open and up front about what I do not want: I don’t date Conservatives, men of no faith, or men not marriage-minded, yet I consistently get interest from men who are the exact opposite of my requirements. Now, I can understand this on Tinder, but why was this happening on paid sites? I decided to find out. As an experiment, I matched with a few of these men just to see what they wanted. And sure enough, the conversation quickly turned to sex. One man even asked me, in response to my “Good morning,” what is the craziest place you’ve had sex, followed by, “Have you ever tried a White guy? I want to try a Black girl.” Wow. The point is this: no, you should not judge people, but use common sense. If you someone wants to match with you that is completely opposite from your qualifications, it can mean one of three things 1) he is paying for limited access and cannot read what you wrote (he’s not serious), 2) he chose not to read what you wrote (he’s not invested), or 3) he read what you wrote but he wants a sexual experience (he’s not interested). Either way, red flag.
15) He is vague about his non-negotiables or desires but wants you to be specific about yours
Although we can all change, men who have a focus or a purpose are aware of what they want, especially in their 30’s. When they are too malleable, it can mean that they haven’t put effort into discerning what they want or need, they have no boundaries, or they want to be able to transform themselves into what you need easily. Good relationships are an equal partnership between two whole people, with separate interests, gifts, and dreams, not one person with fully developed desires and another just trying to come along for the ride. (And here is some free big game: when men ask you what you’re looking for, don’t tell them. Other than the things you reveal on your dating profile or what they know organically, let the journey of dating reveal whether he meets those qualifications or not).
16) He is unwilling to tell you how he earns money or feels he doesn’t owe you that information
Red flags all over the place. Where do I even start? When I ask some men what they do, they have accused me of being a gold digger or looking for help. And the gag is, I made more than them! Or when pressed, some of these “businessmen” have no clue what I mean when I discuss the importance of having an EIN number. I’ve had other men say that their income isn’t important, while simultaneously espousing “submissive” rhetoric. Baby, you want me to submit but who’s paying for my life??? I’ve had men lie about their careers and money to impress me. I’ve had men list the businesses they own, but nowhere in the plan are investments, property, a tax attorney, or health/life insurance. These things are important! If you are dating for marriage, you need to have a general idea of your partner’s career, overall finances, and aspirations. If he seems too vague, wishy-washy, or unwilling to have even a preliminary discussion, red flag. (And before you hit me with the “Coming to America” scenario, I live in reality. And even in the rare case that you’re dating a secret billionaire, a man who wants to provide and protect for a woman should never leave her wondering if he can.)
17) He is vague or unclear about where he lives
I certainly do not mean you need his address on the first few dates, but after you have been dating awhile, naturally the conversation tends to move towards spending time together in more intimate locations, like your homes. If he is reluctant to let you come over or to see where he lives, at least an eyebrow should be raised. Does he live with someone (he hasn’t told you about)? Does he have a place to stay at all? Things happen and this economy is brutal. It may be that he is still living at home with his folks. Or, maybe he’s going through a divorce/separation but still lives with his wife. While there could be many reasons that he is reluctant to let you come over, you deserve to know those upfront so that YOU can decide your next move.
18) He talks too much about his ex or refuses to discuss her at all
I certainly am not one to live in the past, but past relationships are part of building future ones. If he can’t discuss his ex or exes without becoming too emotionally involved or angry, or if he refuses to discuss her, he has not healed. (And the same goes for you). Don’t set yourself up to be living in the shadow of a giant you can never escape.
19) He doesn’t come to the door when he picks you up or make sure that you’re safely inside when he leaves
The world is a dangerous place. I am used to being on high alert when I’m out alone, so the last thing I want is to be on high alert when I’m with a man. I am more lenient when it comes to opening car doors and all, although I still love it when men do), but one thing I will never understand is how a man can drop a woman off at the end of the evening and drive off before he has seen her safely inside. Few things irritate me more because I immediately think you’ve not invested in my protection or safety, you’re not courteous or considerate, or you just don’t care. This may be a yellow flag for some, but it’s a no for me dog.
20) He has multiple children with women he has never married
Relationships aren’t all made to last, and in our 30’s, we should expect that our partners will have past relationships that have sometimes yielded children. However, if he never married any of those women, you should see red! If he hasn’t been committed before at his big age, you have no guarantee that he even values marriage or will commit to you. This may be a sign of irresponsibility and lack of planning. Be cautious.
21) He has children that he doesn’t care for
I don’t know how much more obvious this could be. Regardless of “what she did to me,” or “she won’t let me see my kids,” a father will find a way to be a father. He will make efforts, in a courtroom if needed, but he’s gonna be a Daddy or work his hardest to be one. If he isn’t, get out. No excuses.
22) You look nothing like his previous partners
This may not seem obvious but dating in your 30’s leaves a lot of time to reflect over our past patterns and preferences. In retrospect, we can see if we gravitate towards a certain phenotype, or if we tend to attract the same behavioral patterns, or even if we prefer a certain personality trait. I know my type. I also know when I am consciously veering away from what I’m naturally attracted to. The same is true for men. If the man you are dating has exes that are all slender and tall, and you are curvy and short, it could be that his physical preference has changed, or that he values other things more. Or it could be that he loves you, but he may be physically attracted to others. Whatever the case, the last thing you need is to consistently measure yourself against other women. This could be true for body shape, skin color/shade, race, or other things. I would count this as a yellow flag and not an automatic red one. As I said, this could be the natural transformation of maturity as we age, but it is something to watch out for. The last thing any first-rate women should ever feel is second-best.
23) He chides you for dating other people when you are not exclusive
If you have someone that you JUST MET, and you are in the initial stages of getting to know them, they should NOT make you feel bad for dating other people. Dating is data. It is how you learn your non-negotiables and where you can be more malleable. You are not wrong for weighing your options; men do that all the time. If he classifies you as a serial dater and morally questionable for looking for your happiness, move along with a quickness, especially if you are no where near exclusive. Red flag.
So what did I miss? Would you add any more red or yellow flags to the list?
